an atom is mostly empty by OWEN AVERY
October 7 2024I’m ten. We are at Momom and Popops’ house. Django and Luna are there. Me and Mom and Popop and Elias walk through East Rock Park. The dogs come with us. Luna loves to run. I think she could run forever. She jumps and she glides and she cuts and barks and she’s happy. I'm grinning. Elias and I help each other over the fallen tree. Django goes under it. Elias and I place bets on which dog will get home first. Elias bets on Django and always wins. Luna loves the dirt too much to ever win. I’m thirteen. I was wrong. Luna can’t run forever. We walk East Rock Park with only Django. Sometimes he stops moving and Popop yells. He tries to scare him. But I know he's just sad. We go on the sailboat. Elias and I went to sailing camp. We feel pretty confident now. Popop is still better than us. He pulls the ropes and the boat moves like it's an extension of his mind. I want to control things that way. Dad sits on the netting with his sunglasses on. When I ask why he's not helping he says he’s focused on maintaining the spirit of the crew. I ask Mom why Momom never comes. She gets seasick. Django came once and fell in the mud. He was never allowed to come again. Whenever we come back from sailing Momom has snacks prepared. She's always wearing white. She gives us big hugs. She says I missed you. I say we’ve only been gone a little bit. She says I’ll understand one day. I'm 17. Mom texts me that Django died. She uses the crying emoji unironically. We go to Connecticut and the house is still. No dog under the dinner table. I read next to Momom. She keeps giving me books. If she could give me every book she ever owned she would. She asks Elias personal questions. He gives vague answers. She asks Dad a personal question. In the car Dad says we won't be staying longer than one night anymore. I’m 19. Momom and Popop visit me for lunch. They are so happy that school is near them. They’re proud of me. I order scallops. I declare that I like scallops again. The first time I ate scallops was with Uncle Jacob. I’m eleven. It's funny that Uncle Jacob and Dad are brothers. Jacob always wears a baseball cap and his hair is matted under it. Dad is bald. We are out to dinner in Philly. Dad says he wants to move back someday. We are at Grandpop’s new apartment. Uncle Jacob doesn't come with us. Dad says Uncle Jacob and Grandpop don't always get along. The apartment is a condo. I don't care what it's called. I'm happy it has a pool. Grandpop takes me and Elias to the pool. He’s a little slow to get in the water. Elias and I race back and forth. It's sunny and I'm laughing and my heart is lighter than the water. I’m 13. We are back in Philly. Mom doesn’t come this time. Dad tells us that Grandpop might be a little slower this trip. Dad says Grandpop’s brain is a whirlwind but his body can't always keep up. Grandpop watches us in the pool now. I make eye contact with him while splashing with Elias. I like to see his teeth. They are very friendly. His body still lets him smile. I’m 14. I ask Dad why we haven't seen Uncle Jacob in a while. He grimaces. Jacob is not around right now. Mom changes the topic. She tells me and Elias that if we pass a special test we get a hundred bucks. I say I'm gonna pass it. Elias says me too. A man named James comes to our apartment once a week. Elias and I take turns doing problems with him. I like doing the geometry questions. I imagine each point in a rhombus is a family member. I measure our love in degrees. I’m still 13 but it's winter now. We get on a plane. I look out the window and listen to TV on the Radio. Dad showed them to me. I made him play the CD over and over. Elias gets very annoyed. We land. The sun is brighter than it is on TV. We take a tour of a school. I can’t believe it's a real school. It’s as big as my neighborhood back home. I talk to a bald man who looks a little bit like Dad. He tells me to write a story. I write about aliens. I think it's pretty good. I give it to the man and meet up with Elias. He wrote about sharing gold. He says his story has a moral. I say my story was just about aliens. We go to the beach. Mom can’t stop laughing as she swims. She dives under a wave. She calls it duck diving. I think she's the smartest person in the universe. We eat ramen in a real mall. Some parts of the mall are outside. I think every store I ever would need is in this mall. I look at Dad and say I like it here. He looks at Mom and then looks at me. Dad says starting next year we are gonna live here. I spill my ramen. I’m 14. We live in Hawaii now. We go to the school that is as big as a neighborhood. Mom starts paddleboarding every day. She wakes up early and meanders across the ocean. At home she's always typing. She types so fast. I think she has typed every word in the Oxford English Dictionary. Dad walks to teach at the school up the hill. He says his co-workers look at him crazy. He just laughs. We all go swimming after school. Elias wallows a bit. He says he doesn't like anyone at school. Mom tells him to do a sport. He starts running. He’s two years younger but almost as tall as me. At the meets he outruns bigger boys. Mom takes a photo of him while he runs. He glances at the camera and shrugs. I’m 15. We all have friends now. Even Elias likes it here. We don't swim every day anymore. A truck crushed part of our house. Mom’s office is gone. Every time I look at her shes covered in debris. I’m scared of construction for the next four years. I’m not very good at Algebra II. I stay after school to practice with Mr. Chock. I can’t stop talking in class. If I talk to everyone they will all love me. I will charm them with my wit and kindness. I want to be five and a half feet next year. My stomach hurts from eating too many Dibs. I don't go to cross-country practice. My friends will never let me live it down. They call it the Dibs Incident. I’m 16. I'm in love I think. She picks me up because I can't drive. We go to the beach and eat poke bowls. I think she is the most beautiful girl to ever exist. Dad brings me into his room one day. He tells me he doesn’t want grandchildren yet. I get embarrassed and run away. It's the last day of school. Mom and Dad tell me to wear a nice outfit. I just laugh. I'm wearing my green shorts from Uniqlo. I want to be the cutest boy in Ala Moana Uniqlo. I am not the cutest boy in the Ala Moana Uniqlo. I'm at the school-wide ceremony. I'm sitting next to Olivia. They call my name. I look at Olivia. She says I won. I descend the bleachers. I keep apologizing. I save myself from tripping at the last second. I shake hands with the principal. I’m embarrassed about my Uniqlo shorts. Mom and Dad are in this auditorium. I should have listened to them. It's the first week of summer. We sit around the dining room table. Dad says we are moving back to Brooklyn. Mom looks upset. Elias and I don't understand. We say we were promised four years. What about our constituents. We promised them four years. They voted for me. Dad says Grandpop is sick. I say he’s been sick. Dad says he’s sicker. I ask why he didn’t think about that before. I don't think either of them is the smartest person in the world anymore. We fit every single thing we own in a container. It's shipped across the ocean. Dad can’t get rid of any more books. We lie in parallel sleeping bags. I’m going to a new school and I'm no longer the president. I'm falling out of love. I’m 17. Dad and I argue more now. We each give a speech. I say our choices have been ill-informed. He says things changed. It’s a hung jury. He says Jacob almost died. I look away. How was I supposed to know that. I feel like a dick. When we go to Grandpops for dinner we are no longer allowed to speak while we eat. He chokes on every bite. Dad says if he ever stops planning his meals that's when we know it's over. He still can smile. We no longer go to the pool at all. He falls and Elias and I have to help him up. I tell him he has to wear his beeper. I go to the bathroom and throw up. I’m 20. Mom asks me to explain one more time. She tells me how good I am at talking to people. She says her friends think I'm charming. I tell her I have no love for the world. She frowns. She recommends yoga. I walk to the Brooklyn Bridge and consider jumping. I’m 21. We are going to Turkey this summer. Dad can’t contain his excitement. He says we are going to meet family members we’ve never met. He hasn't been back in 30 years. He says we are going to his mom's hometown. I would have called her Grandmom. I’m 13. I ask Dad where his mom is. He says that she died a long time ago. He looks so sad it makes me want to cry. He says she spoke five languages. I’m 19. Nadra died. I wonder if Muslims have Shiva. Dad says it gets better. I don’t believe him. His sadness has calcified but that doesn't mean it's gone. I’m 21. I look at photos of Grandmom. We have the same nose. Dad says there aren't many Jews left in Turkey. We are going to increase the number by four. I'm rapidly connecting a series of points. I am a forward-facing young man with something to prove. The nucleus is the core of the atom; it consists of protons and neutrons. Pions and gluons mediate their relations. The average human cell has 100 trillion atoms. They are mostly space.
Owen Avery is a student usually walking in Connecticut. He enjoys words and images. He has been published in Spectra Poets, No More Prostitutes, Dadakuku, and his notebook.